Wednesday, April 25, 2012

April 26th

It’s quite possible that the emotions of this day will forever linger in my soul. The feelings of anguish I thought I would never overcome, the immense anger and sadness, and the encompassing feeling of utter hopelessness. April 26th marks the beginning of this unique and everlasting journey - the day we discovered Sophie is deaf.

As I wrote about this subject last year, the emotions I experienced that day were still somewhat fresh and raw to me. I was still a little heartbroken, uncertain, and trying to wrap my head around what the future would hold. I was also sad that I spent Sophie’s infancy with a gloomy haze surrounding me – I’m not sure if I ever was able to relax and fully enjoy her as a baby. My new mom bliss was taken away in the sound booth during her ABR that day and I don’t think I ever completely regained it. I was too worried about all of her appointments, therapy, getting everything in order for her surgery, and just the general future. I wanted time to fast forward until she had received her CIs and we were on the fast track to listening and learning to speak. Now that I know she IS okay and WILL BE okay, I regret this. I wish I could have lived in the moment. At the time though, I know it was the hope I had for the future that kept me going.  

While I have regrets, I realize there is nothing I can change and really, it may not have even been possible to live or think differently if my lovely hindsight had been foresight. Besides, I have a new bliss now – toddler bliss. J And although I still grieve April 26th, it is beginning to hurt less and less. I have made it through the fog of sadness and feelings of uncertainty. Sophie is sweet, funny, sassy, stubborn, and everything else a typical two-year-old should be. Most days I hardly think twice about her being deaf unless I am troubleshooting her implants or frustrated that I cannot find a CI headband to match her outfit. But even when I am reminded, the pride I have for her and everything she has accomplished so far completely overshadows any pain that is trying to resurface and reminds me of the miracle we are living.  So this year on April 26th, I will be celebrating where we are TODAY and trying not to grieve what I thought should have been.

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