My storm cloud

Hmm... where to begin? I guess I have been in somewhat of a dim (not quite dark) place lately. If you have read my previous post, you know that Sophie is doing amazing. She is ahead of hearing children her age and I feel like we have "made it", in a sense. Or at least made it to a point where we can take a breath because we sure as hell heck deserve it. I know this journey has just started, but I feel like we are not striving for something more at the moment. And although I'm thrilled with Sophie's progress and unbelievably proud of her, my heart is still heavy with worry and anxiety. I just can't shake it and I don't know if I ever will.

Picture beautiful blue skies, with the sun shining for miles and miles - as far as you can see. Out of the corner of your eye there is a tiny, dark cloud. You can barely see it, but it is lurking in your peripheral vision. No matter where you go or how bright the sun gets, the cloud is still there. It follows you everywhere, even taunting you at times. It will never, ever go away. You can only hope as time goes by the cloud will get smaller and smaller and further away until it is almost impossible to notice. This is my life. My storm cloud.

I am happy with where we are now, but I just have so many worries going through my head about Sophie and what lies ahead. What is going to happen when she starts school? Will she get picked on? How will she handle it? How is she going to handle the noisy cafeteria or school playground? When she asks other kids to speak up because she can't understand them, are they going to roll their eyes and brush her off? Will she be able to understand her teacher? Will she always have to sit in the front of the class? What if she wants to play a contact sport - how will we keep her implants on? In college - will she be able to hear her professor in the auditorium? When she becomes a mother, how is she going to know when her baby cries out at night? The list goes on and on...

I know that some of the questions that are racing through my mind may have rational answers, but it is overwhelming at times. Am I ever going to stop worrying about her? Will my mind ever be at ease? But my biggest worry - the most important thing - How do I teach her? How do I instill the dignity and grace that she will need to handle and overcome all of my worries?

I really don't know. I don't have the answers to any of those questions right now. And I guess I may never have completely clear blue skies. Does it really matter, though? As long as the sun is still shining, the birds are singing, and Sophie can hear them? Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. Right? That is what I keep telling myself and trying to live out since discovering that Sophie is deaf. I think the key word in that quote is learning. I'm still learning to dance in the rain. And I'll be honest with you - I am not a great dancer. But that doesn't mean I won't try.