Tuesday, June 28, 2011

My storm cloud

Hmm... where to begin? I guess I have been in somewhat of a dim (not quite dark) place lately. If you have read my previous post, you know that Sophie is doing amazing. She is ahead of hearing children her age and I feel like we have "made it", in a sense. Or at least made it to a point where we can take a breath because we sure as hell heck deserve it. I know this journey has just started, but I feel like we are not striving for something more at the moment. And although I'm thrilled with Sophie's progress and unbelievably proud of her, my heart is still heavy with worry and anxiety. I just can't shake it and I don't know if I ever will.

Picture beautiful blue skies, with the sun shining for miles and miles - as far as you can see. Out of the corner of your eye there is a tiny, dark cloud. You can barely see it, but it is lurking in your peripheral vision. No matter where you go or how bright the sun gets, the cloud is still there. It follows you everywhere, even taunting you at times. It will never, ever go away. You can only hope as time goes by the cloud will get smaller and smaller and further away until it is almost impossible to notice. This is my life. My storm cloud.

I am happy with where we are now, but I just have so many worries going through my head about Sophie and what lies ahead. What is going to happen when she starts school? Will she get picked on? How will she handle it? How is she going to handle the noisy cafeteria or school playground? When she asks other kids to speak up because she can't understand them, are they going to roll their eyes and brush her off? Will she be able to understand her teacher? Will she always have to sit in the front of the class? What if she wants to play a contact sport - how will we keep her implants on? In college - will she be able to hear her professor in the auditorium? When she becomes a mother, how is she going to know when her baby cries out at night? The list goes on and on...

I know that some of the questions that are racing through my mind may have rational answers, but it is overwhelming at times. Am I ever going to stop worrying about her? Will my mind ever be at ease? But my biggest worry - the most important thing - How do I teach her? How do I instill the dignity and grace that she will need to handle and overcome all of my worries?

I really don't know. I don't have the answers to any of those questions right now. And I guess I may never have completely clear blue skies. Does it really matter, though? As long as the sun is still shining, the birds are singing, and Sophie can hear them? Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. Right? That is what I keep telling myself and trying to live out since discovering that Sophie is deaf. I think the key word in that quote is learning. I'm still learning to dance in the rain. And I'll be honest with you - I am not a great dancer. But that doesn't mean I won't try.


  1. My heart goes out to you. I can understand your fears and concerns for Sophia's future. However, you have given your daughter a great gift by getting her implanted so early, so that her experience growing up will be the best it can be (which is 100 times better than hearing aids or no hearing aids). I do have some of those answers you're looking for...let's stay in touch. (hugs and cheers)

  2. For one, you are a mother. And, a great one at that. I understand your concerns, and as you've said, these fears may never escape you. But, regardless being a mom, you'll never stop thinking or worrying about her no matter what age or what new issue may arise. I truly believe that by taking one day at a time you & Jared will figure this out. She will amaze you & as days go on, the issues you think you have will only become trivial. Shes a very smart, strong and beautiful baby girl. Shes healthy and happy. Enjoy these beautiful sunny days and look at all the things that life has to offer her. She is so excited to try new things as each adventure awaits her & she will triumph and achieve!!! We love you guys!! Miss Sophia is special in all of our hearts! xoxoxoxoxoxo

  3. "When she becomes a mother, how is she going to know when her baby cries out at night?"
    This one got to me. I never thought about that.
    I know how you feel. I have the exact same worries about Ella and I don't think they will ever go away. Although they aren't the same concerns, I still worry about my hearing children. I think we will always worry about them, not matter what.

  4. I understand your concerns & worries, as i fear the same for Savannah as well. Somedays im bouncing with excitment & joy for all the wonderful things she is doing & then i will have just 1 day where even now i still look at her & cry. I find myself asking all those exact same questions! But with wonderful support & sharing stories through these blogs, i know i can be a better & stronger mother for savannah & get her through it all. It is great to know other mothers think & go through the same emotions for their children as well. Sophia is so lucky to have you & she really is doing amazing! we are mothers & we will always worry! i sometimes think our kids are stronger than us..lol

  5. sophia has two AMAZING parents who will always be in her corner cheering her on. she can look back at these blogs and see just how proud of you and jared are of her.
    you will always worry about her, that will never change. WORRY = LOVE